And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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