he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
