You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
