He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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