I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
