Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
