Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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