I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
