I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
