i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
