i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void