"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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