Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF