My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"