we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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