after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
