I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
