he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Boobs speak an international language.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
