You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
