I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
