apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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