You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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