Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
