Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
