Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize