We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
