You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Randomize
