Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
