Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
