Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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