Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
