You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
