I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
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he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So squirting runs in the family.
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I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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