Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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