What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
