Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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