I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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