u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
