There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
