i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
