Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
