i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
