Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
