New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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