Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
