Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
