Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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