I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just had sex on a roof
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
