im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
