Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
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Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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