i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
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I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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