Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
