I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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