Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
