The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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