All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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