how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
