I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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