I'm gonna have a badass scar
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
