I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize