don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
