didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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